Moving: Tip #1

When your sailor gets stationed somewhere new, your whole world can feel like an anxiety ridden time bomb. Should you move with him? Will your relationship make it if you try to handle long distance love? These are questions every military S.O. has asked herself when presented with this situation. The truth? There is no wrong answer here. Don't feel like you have to do anything. Whether you're married, engaged, or just committed to your man, this is a life altering decision that only you can make. Many women have left everything behind to follow their sailor from port to port. There are also tons of stories about women who made their long distance relationship soar. Ask yourself, what will make you happiest? I know you want to be with your sailor all the time, but keep in mind, he may be gone 6-9 months out of the year. You may also be thinking, 'hey, this is a great opportunity for me to see new places and faces!'

There are a few things to consider before you make your decision...

If you decide you want to go with him to his next station:

• If you're not married, he will most likely be assigned to live on the ship, and thus will not be receiving housing allowance. Their paychecks are not meant to sustain an apartment and living expenses without housing allowance. Even if you work too, depending on the city he goes to, it might not be feasible. (Places like San Diego and Hawaii are extremely expensive towns to live in, whereas Norfolk and Georgia are more affordable.)
• If you do move, he will likely be gone a lot. He will have duty on the ship/sub, meaning he will not come home some nights. Even if you're in town with him, be prepared for a lot of lonely days and nights.
• He may not be stationed there for as long as you think. It doesn't happen too often, but ships change ports, job skills are needed elsewhere and sometimes even disciplinary actions come into play. You might find yourself moving, with only weeks notice, across the country.
  

If you decide to stay home and wait...

• Military relationships are hard. Long distance military relationships are harder. Both of your lives will change. He'll start hanging out with new Navy buddies he meets at the new duty station. Some of them will be girls. When he's not on the ship, he'll want to get as far away from it as possible so he'll go out...a lot. You will both experience new social lives, but for the first time, without each other. Sometimes remembering to call and stay up to date with each others' lives will be difficult.
• When he is in port, plane tickets to go see him and visit for a week or too are expensive, and the visit will never be long enough.
• Be prepared for change. Everyone grows throughout their lives from the experiences they have and the influences around them. After being apart for a while, you both will start to grow into new people. Whether or not you grow into two people that can still love each other and function as a couple is up to fate.

There are always good points to both sides of the story as well. Don't be discouraged. If you decide to move with him, as I have done for the past 2 years, you will discover doors opening for you everywhere. You'll meet new people, experience new foods and places, and have fun exploring with your sailor when he's in port. Also, it's my opinion that I shouldn't miss one single second of time with him if I can. If he's not underway, I'm going to be attached to his hip! On the other hand, if you decide to wait for him at home, closer to your family and friends, which I am doing now for 3 months, there are upsides to that too. We are saving money, for one. Also, instead of being in a town that is unfamiliar to me while he's gone, I am surrounded by hometown comforts and people that care about me.

Whatever you decide to do, know that 'Love has no distance'. Deployments may separate you, but it should never divide you.

Pls Excuse My Absence...

Here's a great reward for your patience...

Things You Never Say To A Military S.O.

1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”
This one ranks in at #1 on the “DUH” list. Of course we’re afraid. We’re terrified. The thought always lingers at the back of our minds —but thanks, genius, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next, you can go ask someone with cancer if they’re scared of dying.

2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
This is intended to be a compliment. But it ends up just being annoying. Here’s why: it’s not like all of us military wives and gf's have been dreaming since childhood of the day we’d get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.

3. “At least he’s not in Iraq.”
This is the #1 most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there!

4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
Don’t you watch the news? No! They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.

5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?”
Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there’s a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with & without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don’t get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep you busy.

6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren’t counting down the days until they “can” get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq bc there is work that needs to be done.

7. “This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.”
Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you’ve gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets “easy” and the bullets and bombs don’t skip over our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away.

8. “My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.”
This one is similar to #2. Do not equate your husband’s three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a shitty Ford Taurus with a Mercedes convertible.

9. “Wow, you must miss him!”
This one also gets another big “duh”. Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and yeah, they’re now divorced.

10. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there."
Yes, you ignorant tool, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn’t sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that “You’re welcome.” He'd tell you himself, but he’s still fighting for your freedom.

11. “Don’t you miss sex! I couldn’t do it!”
Hmmm, no, I don’t miss sex. I’m a robot. Seriously.
Military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn’t withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)

12. “Well in my opinion…..”
(This is where you interrupt them mid-sentence): Stop right there. Yo, I didn’t ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Dillards, not in a restaurant when I’m out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving them an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, especially while we’re trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.

And last but not least….

13. “OH, that’s horrible…I’m so sorry!”
He’s doing his job and he’s tough. Don’t be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our Marines and Sailors fight the wars abroad so those wars STAY abroad.

I found this on a discussion board and made a few ammendments & additions of my own to it. I wish I could print this out and when people ask me what my Sailor does, reach into my purse and hand them this - "I'm sorry, Military Policy dictates that you read this before speaking to all Military S.O.'s. Have a Nice Day!"

While He's Gone: Tip #3

Believe it or not, this is not my first rodeo, ladies. I actually have 4 other blogs that I run, purely for fun. I love to write, and it's something that is important to me. My Sailor likes to call it "my creative outlet", which I think is a lovely way to say: "Something to occupy my time when Abel is away." I would hope that I would draw a lot of readers to my blogs, but I am realistic enough to know that although I know my blogs are enjoyed by some, they are most likely not high on very many to-read lists.

That's why, when I asked my Sailor about one of my blog posts, I got upset when he hadn't read it. Then, we talked about it, and I will now share with you, my few but faithful readers, just what I learned from that conversation...

Your Sailor loves to keep up with what you are doing while he is away. It makes him feel like he's still a big part of your life. Just think how you would feel if an old friend of his came up to you at Wal-Mart and asked what he was up to nowadays, and you didn't really know! I don't know about you ladies, but I have to feel in-the-know. I hate feeling left out of anything, especially the love of my life's day-to-day. So, although he loves keeping informed on anything and everything to do with you, realize that his life is extremely busy. He'll have 18 hour days, uniform requirements to meet, inspections to prepare for, tests to study up on, problems & glitches to handle, and he still has to eat, sleep and breathe, too! He may be off for the night, but his day certainly won't end there. He'll catch up when he can, so don't make him feel worse that he can't be with you as much as he wants, even if it is only of the cyber nature.

Incidentally, once I accepted the fact that he would read it when he could, and stopped asking if he'd read it every time I posted something, he started surprising me with little quotes and comments about my blogs. And let me tell you, when I stopped getting my hopes up that he'd be able to read them all the time, it made the times he did read them, that much more special to me. (He even read my wedding blog! Now that's a sturdy Sailor.)

Happy Independence Day!

In honor of Independence Day this year, I am posting this lovely picture of Cake Pops, made with our Armed Forces in mind. Tomorrow will not only be a day to celebrate America's Independence, but also to thank all our Sailors, Soldiers, and Airmen for defending our nations Independence! This wonderful website, aptly named Bakerella, is a baking blog that I read on a daily basis.

Incidentally, (and you knew I was going to tie in some advice here) baking is a good hobby to take up while your Sailor is away, for multiple reasons.

• You are going to be bored with all that time on your hands, normally reserved for TLC time with your Sailor. Taking up a hobby is the key to keeping your sanity. You need something fun and fulfilling to occupy your time, and what better way to do that then by making something sweet that you can reward yourself with?!
• Baking can be so rewarding. It gives you a feeling of accomplishment that helps so much when you know your Sailor is contributing his whole life to service our country. This way, you can feel like you did something cool too!
• Speaking of helping out, if your Sailor is deployed, or in school, you can bake various sweet dishes and send them to him or his shipmates. If he's in school, make sure the package you send him is resealable, because only sealed packages of food are allowed in their rooms. There is NO outside food allowed at boot camp! Also, make sure the items you send can weather the trip, *pun intended! Remember, chocolate melts, dairy expires and dough dries out, so follow these tips from Treat The Troops, from a lady that has been baking for our troops since 1990!

Before He Leaves: Tip #2

I KNOW how hard it is going to be for you (it just about killed me), but try your very hardest to be strong and cry as little as possible. Now, I say as little as possible, because you are going to cry. There's a military wife saying out there that we use universally: "If you weren't emotional before, you will be now." That goes for the toughest chicks out there. But, saying that, every time he sees you cry, it kills him. It makes this whole situation that much harder for him. It's OK to let him know you're hurting, don't hide that or he'll think you don't care. But, try to keep it to a minimum.

A suggestion: When you start tearing up, bury your face in his shoulder and then when you come away, say something like: "I'm going to stay strong for you baby, I promise." He will love you more than you can ever know, just for trying.

If you cry all the time and fall apart, it will kill him to leave you because he will know you can't handle him leaving and your relationship may fail. This is even more difficult for him to take because he cannot be there to fix it if it all falls apart. One of the most frustrating things for him will be that he is in a position where he can't do anything about anything! If you are upset about something, or you have a problem or you're doubting whether or not you can do this, he'll be away at boot camp where he's completely helpless and doesn't even know when the next time he can talk to you is. If he thinks you might leave him, it will consume him and there's nothing he can do about it.

Bottom line, being his 'strong, surviving' girl will help him through this more than you can imagine. He'll know that while he's in boot camp, he can rest assured that you'll be here, taking care of yourself and waiting for him with open arms.

While He's Gone: Tip #2

Every time your sailor calls you, try to have a few things handy. I carried a small notepad in my purse, along with a pen, and a small list of addresses of his friends and family. Every time I would run in to a friend or family member of his, I would purposely get their address and write it down. Almost every time my sailor called, he would ask for an address, or ask about a friend or family member.

Also, there were numerous times when he would call and ask me to write something down for him. That's where the notepad came in handy. He asked me to write down different addresses of where he was staying, rank changes (and therefore name on the envelope changes), flight numbers, dates and very often, bank and bill pay information.

Now, remember, his phone calls will usually be pretty hurried, as they usually only get a few minutes to talk to you, and they have to squeeze information, schedules, updates and lovin' all in that short time! So, having all the necessary tools handy when he calls can only make things easier on the both of you.

The Day He Leaves: Tip #2

When it comes to his Cell Phone, strategy is key. When he goes to the hotel the night before he gets shipped off to boot camp, he will take an overnight bag with him. He should take his cell phone and his charger with him in his bag.

The next morning, he will go to whatever government building is designated to sign them in, swear them in, and ship them off. His bag will be checked into a room while they are being processed. Tell him to leave his cell phone in his bag. After he is sworn in, he will be allowed time with his family & friends to say goodbye. This could last anywhere from 10 minutes to 6 hours. This is the time when most sailors will hand their phones over to their families for safe keeping. I suggest not doing this. Tell him to keep his cell phone.

Over the next few months, you'll get very little contact with him, so trust me, every phone call counts. If he keeps his phone, you may get a call when they get to the airport and are waiting for their flight, when he lands, when they're driving from Chicago O'Hare Airport to Great Lakes (where the Naval Basic Training Facility is located, about 2 hours outside of Chicago). Finally, right when he gets to boot camp, he might be able to sneak a very brief phone call to let you know he arrived before they take his phone. I'm talking 5-10 seconds. Make sure he doesn't get caught! They'll then get one phone call home to let their family know they're OK, but usually it will be a direct call to the parents, whether your sailor wants to call you or not. So, having that cell phone will be key.

Now, of course, the second they get there, all of their possessions, including their bag, wallet, phone, and even the clothes on their back will be shoved in a box, and mailed home. So, the fact that he brought his cell phone won't get him in trouble. He will have kept in contact with you, and then have it mailed home. No harm done, and you got to talk your sailor through his trip to basic training.